I am going to preface this by saying these are JUST my views and I get that others don’t agree.  I have no desire to get into any type of debate.  If you’re religius, more power to you…I have no issue with that as long as you don’t jam it down my throat.

With that being said, I consider myself agnostic.  I believe there probably is a being up there somewhere but I don’t believe in the Christian God.  I was raised Roman Catholic.  And honestly, even though I was forced to go to CCD, make my First Communion and my Confirmation, I’m not sure I can say I EVER believed what I was supposed to believe.  And as time went on and my thinking got more scientific, my belief went from little to none.  I believe the Bible is just a book, maybe even a work of fiction, written with no divine intervention.  I believe there MAY have been a man named Jesus but I don’t believe he was the son of God or that her perfromed miracles or raised the dead.  My guess is that he was probably mentally ill.

Now, I will admit that I have gone back and forth at times.  And I think my main issue is that I do not believe that any kind and benevolent God, as Christians say theirs is, would allow people to endure the termendous PAIN that I and others I know have endured.  Yeah, yeah, I get that he thought we should have “struggles” but after a while, it gets a little ridiculous.  I also find it convenient that some Christians who say in one breath he is kind and benevoloent say in the next breath that he hates gays and will make them burn in hell.  HUH???!!!  It makes no sense to me.

I’ll go with my own experiences first.  As some of you know, I have suffered 4 pregnancy losses.  Two were in between my girls and fairly early.  Then after my youngest, I had a loss at around 15 weeks and then I delivered a stillborn baby at 18 weeks about a year and a half ago.  On top of that, a few months after that loss, I lost one of my beloved kitties, then we had had a flood in our bedroom and master bathroom and then I lost my SECOND beloved kitty very unexpectedly.  Christian like to say God never gives us more than we can handle but COME ON.  My dreams of what my family would be were GONE.  After my last loss I couldn’t try again.  I had always wanted 3 kids and that dream was gone.  I guess in some people’s eyes maybe I was being punished but really?  For WHAT??  NOTHING I could have ever donw would make me deserve all of THAT!

When I was in between my last 2 losses, I came across a blog about a baby names Kayleigh Ann Freeman.  If you Google her, you’ll find a blog and other information on her and her family.  She was born very prematurely with several health problems but she seemed like a fighter.  Her parents were devout Christians who felt they had been “saved”and that whatever happened was God’s will.  Kayleigh had one last surgery that was supposed to save her.  She was SUPPOSED to go home but someting went wrong.  Oxygen was cut off from her brain for too long…they don’t know how or why and little Kayleigh was bascially brain dead.  I have never understood WHY Kayleigh’s story affected me the way it did but I found myself crying for her most nights.  And when she died, I was heartbroken for her parents and for her siblings from her mother’s first marriage.  But they had their faith and it seemed to get them through.  The VERY weekend after Kayleigh died, I found out I was pregnant that last time.  I saw butterflies and I started to believe a bit because her father thought they embodied her spirit.  I THOUGHT maybe that was a good sign.  Well, we all know how THAT turned out.  And I decided for the last time that there was no GOD,  And I later found out how it turned out for her family.  Her father left her mother and is now involved with someone else.  So much for being “saved.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen people be at the brink of death and live. But for every blog or story I hear about something like THAT, it seems I hear more stories of pain.  Just a little over a week ago came another loss that to me, was a double whammy.  Our family lost my husband’s 29 year old cousin…who had been married less than a year…and who had a baby on the way in less than 7 weeks.  He had been battling cancer for years and his wife knew the deal when she married him.  She is STRONG but why not let him hang on to celebrate his anniversary and meet his some?  Why take him from his family at THAT time??  I guess there are just too many “WHY’S” and no real answers and that’s why I just don’t believe.